Portals

Clear liquids, clear thoughts

A hunger that makes memories loud

Turn down the music so the past

Doesn’t have to scream
The doctor goes spelunking

Returns polite, like he didn’t just see
The whole weather system of me

A week later I check the Patient Portal

The Portal is a man who says, “I’ve been really busy.”

The Portal is delicate and mercurial

The Portal says call the office
Where they can keep gaslighting you with happy hold music
Someone says, “We mailed it. Confirm the address.”
In a tone that means they will not be the villain in this story

When I was little

My dog was terrified of the mail

And my nervous system still feels like “mail”

Means something irreversible is happening

Somewhere a stranger opens an envelope
Meets me on their kitchen table

As a list of findings through portals

Reading it like the horoscope of sign that bores them

“Minor inflammation…interesting.”

The office says they’ll resend it. 

Please 

No

Put it in my hands, where I can hold it

Like I don’t already live in it

And I like living here, but I can’t see through the walls 

So I don’t know if I need to be meaner or nicer

Probably meaner

But there should be more dials than that 

So when I move out of here

I don’t wind up in whatever trap house portal 

Sells human incarnations