I actively
listen to you:
You say you don’t
want to rely on me.
I smiling thinking
how wonderful you are,
how good it is to be
speaking to each other.
I say I just want
to be reliable for you.
I order deodorant
for you, lavender.
bring over paper towels
and toilet paper.
Buy you a handheld
vacuum cleaner.
Ask if you’d like
to take a shower together,
I wash your back,
with the soap I bought.
I never drag my feet when
walking in your apartment.
I slice an apple
and bring it to you.
I wash my hands every 2 minutes
or so while cooking for you.
I stop cooking with too much olive oil,
never any sauce.
You still tell me you hate it,
and that feels like what love should be.
I tell you to go ahead to bed,
and I will load the dishwasher.
You aren’t sleeping well,
and maybe this will help.
I leave blackberries in the fridge
because you love them,
you are forgetting
to eat, and
your empty fridge reminds you
of what a failure you are.
I inspected the blackberries
in the grocery store
to ensure each one was a
perfect medium-large.
I bought walnuts for you
to snack on, & granola.
I make the bed in the morning
because you like how I do it.
I clean your apartment
when you leave for work.
so you don’t slowly get overwhelmed
with what a failure you are.
I leave a note
on the counter:
You’ve got this!
Fuck yeah, cowgirl.
Now I’m crying on the phone to you,
saying I’m scared & grateful.
trembling. unable to speak
snot glazing my lips,
and then helping you write an email
to take a sick day.
