acts of service

I actively

listen to you: 

You say you don’t

want to rely on me. 

I smiling thinking 

how wonderful you are, 

how good it is to be 

speaking to each other. 

  I say I just want 

to be reliable for you. 

I order deodorant 

for you, lavender. 

bring over paper towels

and toilet paper. 

Buy you a handheld 

vacuum cleaner. 

Ask if you’d like

to take a shower together, 

I wash your back, 

with the soap I bought. 

I never drag my feet when 

walking in your apartment. 

I slice an apple

and bring it to you. 

I wash my hands every 2 minutes

 or so while cooking for you. 

I stop cooking with too much olive oil, 

               never any sauce. 

You still tell me you hate it, 

                                                    and that feels like what love should be. 

I tell you to go ahead to bed,

and I will load the dishwasher.

You aren’t sleeping well, 

and maybe this will help. 

I leave blackberries in the fridge 

because you love them, 

you are forgetting 

     to eat, and 

your empty fridge reminds you 

     of what a failure you are. 

I inspected the blackberries 

in the grocery store

to ensure each one was a

perfect medium-large. 

I bought walnuts for you 

to snack on, & granola. 

I make the bed in the morning 

because you like how I do it. 

I clean your apartment

when you leave for work. 

so you don’t slowly get overwhelmed 

      with what a failure you are. 

                                                                                I leave a note

                                                                              on the counter:

                                                                               You’ve got this!

                                                                             Fuck yeah, cowgirl. 

Now I’m crying on the phone to you,

saying I’m scared & grateful. 

                                                                   trembling. unable to speak 

                                                                                        snot glazing my lips, 

and then helping you write an email 

to take a sick day.