you're as close as I’ll get to having a brother, but stranger,
less defined, more chosen - a cousin.
It would have been easy not to know each other,
easier still not to let a weird love develop.
Two people with very little in common,
a decade between us, different coasts,
your mother the oldest of 6, my mother the youngest, 10 years between them.
What did you see in me?
An awkward anxious straight A student, but I was down to adventure and you a perfect tour guide.
You with your big life, your big laugh, traveling with the band, partying all night, driving fast, pointing out landmarks and their history.
You remembered everything, you remembered everyone, you remembered why it mattered.
Picking me up and taking me to dinner, to a museum, to tour colleges, to our grandmother.
What we loved: eating, drinking, communism, music, art, the beach, our family.
We are doing our best without you.
We are calling each other.
We are sharing memories.
You would be proud of us, sometimes.
But we don’t know how to love each other the way you did.
I wish you could have felt the force of your own love.
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