current needs #6

                   I needed what I need now just in different words

                   and concepts. I'm not sure what I'm here for any-

                   more. "I'm in the hereafter, I forgot what I'm here

                   after." Yes I needed what I need now and will pro- 

                   bably need later, even though I will have forgotten

                   that I needed it now and, hereafter, forget again, that 

                   what I need now I have also needed just the same but 

                   differently. It's different this time! My needs are ever

                   evolving – that's why I forget that what I need now I

                   have needed and will need later – just in a different 

                   framework, just in a new body (cellularly speaking). 

                   Yes, frameworks, ontologies, "epistemological breaks

                   with my closet" as clothes no longer fit and ground my 

                   soul. It's terrifying that I outgrow my clothes in at least 

                   two ways: 1) my body grows and changes, 2) my soul 

                   simply begins rejecting them like a virus. The latter, tho-

                   ough often coinciding with the former, surpasses it in 

                   sheer terror. Oh, the horror of finding yourself suddenly 

                   in someone else's clothes – when I become obsessed with 

                   my shirt's tag with its esoteric codes and phrases, or when 

                   my pants become someone else's skin. No, that is not what 

                   I need right now – new pants. I need what I need right now 

                   that I have always needed and will continue to need but dress 

                   it up in different words and habits. Have I forgotten what I needed, 

                   or have I renamed it to keep it outside my grasp? I've renamed so 

                   many things at this point that's why I can't find what I need. Do I 

                   even need it? Yes, I do. What is it? Why I am here standing before 

                   my closet? Something is scraping my skull from the inside, and 

                   I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, it's what I need.