Ugly Men

 

I can’t remember the last time I called a woman ugly

But it had to have been before 2009

This was when I started working at a production company

Every time we filmed a woman my boss thought was gross 

He’d sarcastically say, “What a lovely woman” 

Like it was a blight on his day

Ugly men always passed without comment

Also we were making a really boring doc series for PBS

Not “Girls Gone Wild”

It being 2009 and all

I would have looked like a hysterical woman if I complained 

So I thought: How do I make my boss uncomfortable?

Everytime he did his “lovely woman” comment

I reciprocated with a comment on his appearance:

Are you feeling OK? You have a “humid” quality

Your face is the color of sweating, rotten deli meat

You look like a giant baby who died in a hot car

Your breath smells like a family of seals

You look like you survived a shipwreck by eating a child

I can’t imagine you playing sports

I can imagine you saying “I’m doing an ayahuasca journey”

And then crying and barfing on the couch for eight hours

He also couldn’t complain to HR

Because he would have looked like a little bitch